While I started this blog at 4am yesterday, I really didn't have the intention of blogging for the general Datingish community. But since I've read and commiserated with so many entries in the past, I figure it's time to give back. Hello everyone, and thanks for reading.
I think this topic has been brought up a dozen times already, but it's something that has me worried as I will soon be visiting the 'rents. I've been dating my bf for about 3 years now, and due to horribly backwards Asian culture I have always played down the relationship for my parents. For the longest time in high school and even college I didn't think they could even fathom me seriously dating anyone, so I carried on my relationship only briefly mentioning it to my parents when they asked. "Are there any nice boys around in college?" my mom would pseudo-innocently pry. "Umm... well, there is this guy that lives down the hall; we hang out a lot together," I would say. Fast forward 3 years, with me graduated and working full-time, him still finishing up school because of an academic hiccup in the past. I can tell my parents are getting increasingly concerned that I am still with him, and everytime I call them they push me a little farther. "Why didn't he graduate like all of your other friends? What does he want to do with his life? What you two have isn't really love, " blah blah blah. After a few of those conversations I get so angry with my mom I just want to scream.
I guess she's worried about a couple things in particular. My bf and I really "grew into" our relationship over the years, so it wasn't love-at-first-sight or anything. However, we get along famously, so much so that it has been challenging to distinguish ourselves seperately from the 'entity' that our friends sometimes see us as. (It's gotten better now that we lead seperate lives instead of sharing the same work/living space in college.) But Mother really doesn't think "growing into" a relationship counts as love, nor does she view the fact that he's taking a little longer to complete college as anything except academic failure. Success, particuarly work-related success, is like the holy-grail of Asian values. If you're anything but aspiring to become a lawyer, doctor, or PhD, your net worth just took a nosedive in front of my parents.
I've dodged and fought my way with my parents on this issue before, but the battle is set this xmas and it's going to be rough... so dear Datingish community, any thoughts on how I can manuver my way out of this hard place without raising hell over the dinner table? How can I tell my parents that what they value in a significant other isn't completely aligned in my book?
Comments (2)
I think I actually commented on this already, although in a different location. Lol.
I already wrote this on datingish, but who reads like 50 comments anyway right?
I'm Russian and honestly we seem to have a similar problem. I handled mine in high school when I dated a guy my parents didn't approve of and they realized that they wouldn't really have a say, and if they loved me and wanted to be in my life then they would have to accept my choices.
It was a long and rocky path. My suggestion to you is to sit down and preface a talk with your parents with I want this to be mature. No yelling, no angry remark, let's treat each other with respect. Make sure to stand by that. Say that if they feel the urge to yell, they should just walk away and you'll talk again later.
Then tell them you really care about this person. That he is intelligent, kind, and etc... whatever qualities you look for in a guy. Explain that it's important to you that a guy treats you like.... and that your parents should understand that these qualities you've listed are what make a good man in your eyes, and you see your guy as a good man. Tell them that if they truly care about you and want what's best for you then they'd want a guy like him, who treats you well and makes you feel safe, loved and cared for.
Then ask them what their concern are. Try and think ahead and know what they are going to say. When they voice it say "So you're concerned that.... and I understand that. I believe that he will be/ is (succeed in his career or whatevet they say the problem is) because he is this and this and this and will overcome his late graduation. He will do great and I want to be there fore him." Cover every concern they have.
Talk to them calmly and in an adult way. At the end, tell them, I am an independent adult and while I care what you think, and you mean a lot to me, I hope you have enough faith in me to let me make this decision. You raised me to be smart and be able to make good decisions. You should believe in your work as parents and know that I will pick what's best for me. I'm coming to you because I want you to know how I feel, and care about you, but please give me the courtesy of letting me choose who I love.
Make sure not to yell, or whine, or tell them anything isn't fair. Don't use the word but when you're addressing their concerns, and always repeat what they said to you, to show that you absorbed it and aren't just arguing with them. This will make your argument far more convincing and may put them at ease about your maturity and ability to make this decision.
Good luck!